De-press-ion

WARNING: This entry contains explicit content...

Have you ever thought of committing suicide before? I’m not sure if anyone has ever thought of it and even if they do, they might having some sort of depression. I do give a thought about it every now and then. I’ve always imagine myself jumping from the ledge of a tall building and then hitting the hard concrete. My skull would probably crack, my legs and hands would be twisted in such a way that it’s beyond the limits of anatomical boundaries. To tell truth whenever I give a thought of it, I could actually feel the pain like as if I’m doing it for real. I could come up with many different ways to end my life, like swallowing pills, drinking detergent, burnt myself alive and few other macabre ways. But I know that committing suicide is a sin, well supposedly there is such things as a sin, so I didn’t dare to do it.

So every morning whenever I crossed the road, I was hoping that a vehicle would knock me down and hopefully I’ll be dead. Of cause I could just stand there in the middle of the road and wait for a vehicle to knock me down but I like I said I don’t dare. I think it’s less painful to die when you least expect it. So if I get knocked down by a vehicle, I know it wouldn’t be my fault even though I know I wanted it so much. I’m not really sure which is the best method to die. Is it better to die a slow, non-painful death or fast-quick-no-hassle-with-lots-of-pain kind of death? I prefer to pick the later. A slow death brings misery not only to yourself but to others as well. People will come and say. “When the fuck is this guy going to die? I’m already wasting so much money just to keep him alive on the life supporting machine, he should just die right now”. A quick death is a better option for me. Even though its painful, I know that I will only feel the pain for a mere seconds. After that nobody knows what will happen to you

It takes a lot of courage to commit suicide and by writing this entry I’m not encouraging anyone to do it but if you have to, go ahead, I’m not going to stop you. I just wonder how the Japanese culture could indulge in tradition called Harakiri or Seppuku. It’s the way of the Samurai to restore or protect his honour and it could also be done to avoid falling into enemy’s hands. They use the sword and stab themselves in the belly and they usually die due to excessive haemorrhage. I couldn’t even bare to bite my own tongue let alone to stab myself. I wonder why such tradition exists. Is it necessary to end one’s life just to restore honour?

Whenever I’m in a tall building or apartment, I always look down and pretend that I’m jumping off from the ledge. It’s very tempting to actually sit on the parapet and dangle my feet over it. I almost did it once but my senses tells me that it’s the most stupid thing to do. When I ‘woke’ up from having this thoughts, I tend to perspire and breathe heavily.

I’m not sure if I’m suffering from any sort of depression but it’s possible. My brother told me that I’m having a mild depression due to my angst and hatred which I’ve been keeping to myself all these years. My angst in me is probably eating me inside out right now. I’m not sure how to control it or deal with it. One of the solution, which my brother told me, is to talk it out. But the problem with me is that I don’t like to talk my personal problems to other people cause then they would know my weakness and that is some kind of a disadvantage. The only person I can talk openly is to my brother but it’s so darn expensive to give him a call regularly to Kenya. Besides not many people are willing to listen to your problems even though they said they don’t mind listening to you. The problem about this people is that, when you tell them your problems, they in turn will tell their friends about your problems. Soon the entire neighbourhood will know.

Strangers who know me for the first time, will think that I’m such a stuck up bastard with that don’t-bother-me-or-I-will-kill-you kind of a look. I guess the angst is really creeping out of me and it’s affecting my physical expression too. Seriously I’m keen to make new friends but because of the way I compose myself, people would think that I’m unfriendly. Which happens a lot anyway…
I used to have a dual personality like many other people would but I stopped it cause it’s hard to keep track which personality works out the best. So right now, I am who I am. You get what you see online and offline. If you like it that’s good, if you don’t, you can jolly well fuck off from out of my sight.

Today when I got home from work, I was really pissed off with my mum. The reason is simply because she closed the window in my room. I’ve told her before not to close or shut the window entirely, leave some gap for ventilation. And today is one of those days where she shut the window entirely. I was so fuming mad that I was imagining that I was stabbing her at the throat and other horrible stuffs. The funny thing is that, for the past few occasions, whenever my mum closed the window when I’m out, I would just open it back with no kind of grudges whatsoever. I mean come on, it’s just a window, why make so much fuss about it. But tonight I don’t know why I was so angry about it.

Infact sometimes or rather most of the time, I got angry or frustrated over trivial things. Like there was once when someone in the house moved my books from the table to the shelves, I was so angry that I threw the books out of the shelves and told whoever it is not to touch my things. I’m sure it’s my sister who cleaned my room but I was so angry for no apparent reason that she got the bashing from me that night. I felt so bad about it later on. I even ‘lecture’ my mum not to wash my clothes unless I personally place them in the laundry bin. Sometimes I would just hang the clothes for 2-3 days cause it’s still clean as I’ve only wore it like few hours. My mother find it such a clutter to have all my clothes hanging on the hooks. So she would removed the clothes and wash it immediately, even that I find it irritating. So nowadays before I leave the house, I would remind my mum or sister which part of the room is out of bounds, which clothes are not to be washed, make sure the window in my room is half open if not they will face the consequences. Of cos I clean my own room myself all the time, just that sometimes even though I thought I’ve cleaned my room, my mum would still think that it’s not clean enough so she has to clean it herself. Most of the time I’m fine if tidies up my room in proper order but there are times where I’ll get mad for no apparent reason.

Another issue is regarding with my dad. I’ve not spoken to him for almost 2 months. Well technically speaking we do ‘talk’ like if there is a phone call for me or him, I tell him that he has got a call waiting for him. I think our conversation limits to that. Even during dinner I wouldn’t talk to him and as for my father, I know he wants to talk to me but I think he is aware of my temper. My mum told me that my father is rather sad that I’m not talking to him anymore and he has been asking if I’ve been asking about his whereabouts. Well I do ask his whereabouts from my mum but not him. Infact I do worry if he returns home late just that I got nothing to talk about and I prefer not to be provoked any further. The reason for this behaviour of mine is because of what happened few months back between my uncle and I. In the first place, I’ve always detest the paternal family and my uncle happens to be from the paternal side. My father was telling him about me going overseas to finish up my degree and he is glad that all his kids are doing well and independent enough to live on their own. My uncle, who is such a fucking bastard, he pulled me to one side when nobody is watching. He lectured me that I’m such a burden to the family, why can’t I just finish my studies here, why do I need to go so far when I’m just recovering from my post treatment. I thought this guy is full of crap. First thing first, I’m paying my own school fees out of my own pocket even though my parents are willing to sponsor it. Second thing is that I’m not even asking for his help or advise, so what fucking right does he have to put me down like that. Third thing is that everyone in the family knows that this uncle of mine has an ego which is so big, that even the blind could see. I told my uncle to fuck off and drop dead. I told him to watch his own back cause we all know he was having an affair previously so he has no rights to lecture me. I hope his entire family drops dead. I swear that if I’ve a gun, I would just shoot the entire family one by one. Another way is to let someone rape his daughters and wife in front of him. After which I would kill them by shooting them point blank between their eyes and then I will set my uncle on fire. Another method, I will lock the entire family in their house and burnt them alive. I just hope the daughters become a whore or a prostitute, or someone to rape his wife. Do you think I care if this happens to them? Well definitely I won’t. Do you think I will regret if they really drop dead? Well I won’t cause it’s not my fault that they drop dead, I was just wishing for it. Now the reason I didn’t talk to my dad is because, he knew what happened after that and he simply keeps quiet about it. He told me that I should just ignore what my uncle have said cause we all know he has this ego problem. But I wasn’t happy cause it’s my dad’s responsibility to stand up for the family. Which he didn’t, infact I call him a loser for not doing so. If he is not gonna do it, I’ll do it myself. But I really wish my uncle and his family drop dead, then I would have fewer idiots to see during family gatherings. Can someone please just kill them all?

So you see I’m really full of angst, unhappiness and bitter. Lately I’m jaded as well. So maybe it’s true that I’m suffering some form of depression. I wish I could just ignore it but I can’t especially if I’m being bombarded with idiots from left and right. I’m not sure if breathing in deeply and counting 1 to 10 helps. I’ve even tried counting up to 50, all fails. You know what’s the best cure for this depression? Well someone has to kill my uncle and his family off and I would be perfectly fine after that. Trust me…