Totally vex...

My blood count wasn’t good today thus I’ve to delay my chemotherapy had to be postpone next week. Mean while I’m giving myself 3 expensive ‘Tequila Shots’. I was expecting it since I’ve been down with flu and cough for the past few weeks. My office environment doesn’t help either since everyone is getting the same bug. Adding to that is my ulcer which is about 1cm big on the internal left cheek. There is probably another one developing on the right and down the throat so eating would be very difficult for me. Infact I’ve been on liquid diet for the past few days. I’m also sucking on ice cubes and frozen liquid juice made into cubes. I’m developing gastric pain too. The funny thing about my ulcer condition is that, now I’m talking with lisp.

The doctor gave me 5 days MC though I only asked for 2 days. I was on emergency leave yesterday after experience body cramps all over. I just hope the ‘Tequila Shots’ would push up the blood counts and have my treatment as per schedule.

Despite all this hectic situation, I still have to face nonsense from some of my friends. I just couldn’t understand why some people don’t seem to understand my priorities. No matter how much I emphasize my priorities they don’t seem to get the gist of it. Infact some of these people thought that I’m not being fair to them. The weird thing is that I only knew them recently whereas I knew my best friends for over 10 years. It’s obvious that my priority goes towards my best friends even though making new friends gives me the opportunity to widen my circle of friends.

I wonder if I did made the right choice to make friends with these people. I mean yes I know friends come and go. I really do appreciate their generosity and patience towards me but what irks me is when they assume that I‘m not giving my commitment to them. It’s not like as if they are the only friends that I have who needs attention, I got others as well. I have my rights to choose my friends and I also have the right to allow who can go through my personal life. I just don’t understand why they have to make so much fuss getting to know me better. I mean come on, I only know them for less than a month, it’s quite impossible for me to open up my feelings and my thoughts with them. I feel like as if I’ve been probed unnecessarily and I feel like as I’ve been chained to an invisible wall. It’s gives me the extra pressure to make myself commit to someone whom I’m not even close with. Well I’m sorry but I need my space and I need time to be alone.

The worst thing is that, I’ve already began to like them as friends as my support pillar in life but at the same time I do need time to be on my own. But if they keep pushing me doing things which I’m not keen or making me feel like as if I’m abandoning them, it would definitely triggers off my patience. My mistake is that, I always feel the obligation to spend time with them though its not really necessary. I don't think its even necessary for them to compare themselves with my friends. Cause my best friends and I have been together for quite awhile and we went through lots of ups and downs together. Well I supposed its too bad that I consider my close friends more important than them. Hur hur hur....

Like I said before friends come and go, if you’re not happy with this arrangement you are free to go.

I supposed I should feel the pain/hurt to let friends go? But sad to say, I don’t even know what is pain anymore.