Asian Horror Movies...

I’ve just watched Dark Water on the television. It was the Japanese version. My colleagues and friends have been telling me to watch this horror show since last year. They said it’s a good show to watch cause… well it’s horror right? So it must be a good show then. I like to watch horror show even though I’m just a wimp. I would squint my eyes till I can’t see the screen whenever I know some morbid creature would jump out from behind the door or closet. Speaking of closet… oh well that’s another story. Anyway… since I’m such a stingy bastard who doesn’t like to waste money on movies, I waited patiently for this show to be shown on the television or pirated DVD. Singapore and Indonesia television channels usually would show the latest movies every now and then unlike our Malaysian counterpart which shows dumb shows especially on their RTM 1 and RTM 2, too much propaganda and politics, poet recital, they have BORING shows. So like I said, I was expecting this movie to be a good one since everyone is raving about it but I realise at the end of the show, it’s just another dumb show, even though I squinted my eyes during certain part of the movie. Really very dumb show, I feel like crying for wasting 2 hours, I could’ve have been happily playing my AIRLINES game and bought more planes.



Dark Water DVD cover

Singapore cinemas are swamp with lots of horror show nowadays, particularly from Thailand, Japan and sometimes Taiwan. Usually they would have a good trailer to capture the audience attention but when we actually see the entire show, we realized we’ve been duped. Bloodyhell. How corny can they get? If you are a fan of horror show, by now you would’ve realized that certain country would have a certain trademark to their movie. It’s like a disease. Worst than my cancer, I just don’t know how to say it but it’s a disease which cannot be cured. It’s like chemical formula which is a MUST HAVE remedied by the directors themselves cause they think if they do not have this certain formula their movie is going to be a flop. With or without formula, their movie would still be a flop if they have a bad storyline. Now let me do a case study…

Japanese Horror Show:
The first horror movie from them is actually The Ring. There was so much hype about it. I think the show is weird cause… well let’s say its very ‘minimalist’ so ‘Zen’. I didn’t understand what it’s all about cause I keep on seeing this ‘ring’ appearing on the screen, is it suppose to hypnotized me or what? Then there was this mysterious video tape, where one would die after watching it. Come on at this age, nobody owns a VHS recorder anymore, we are going digital mind you. Speaking of which, I still have this HUGE laser disc at home. Remember when laser disc just came into the market, everyone was raving how cool it is. I still have one or two laser disc and one of them has got the movie entitled ‘Independence Day’. The disc is SO HUGE, I could make a coffee tray out of it or even a Frisbee, no better still as an antenna for my TV, then I could tap into Russian TV channels or something, who knows. Yeah so.. Back to The Ring. Then in the show there would also be phone call and whenever the character picks up the phone there would be ‘Click..Clack..Cluck…’ sound. Not sure if the dead is calling the living or is it simply a bad reception. The Japanese version of the show was so confusing, that I cried and pull my hair out for not understanding it. I finally understood what the movie is all about after watching the American version of it. It’s not even scary except for the last part where the stupid ghost named Sadako or Sudoku… whatever her name is… squeezed out from the TV monitor. Lame shit but I guess it’s fashionable for any ghost to squeeze from the TV monitor instead of the normal behind the closet or under the bed. The movie should be renamed ‘The Phone’ instead of the ‘The Ring’. I wonder which ring they refer, is it that circle thing on the TV or the phone ring? Twist of word eh? Like all other Japanese horror show, the main ingredient to make their movie a good twist would be having a kid who happens to die in such a weird manner years before hand and at the end of the show the main character would finally solve the murder case, something like CSI but the Japanese version would have to be horror if not nobody would watch it, right? These horrible kids would looked as a horrible white creature like in Ju-on and they would terrorized the poor innocent people. That’s what make me hate kids, kids like Ju-on. Then they would have a faceless lady with long horrendous rebonded hair, like as if they got a bad hair day. These faceless ladies or ghost would make Spiderman cry in shame cause these ghost could simply walk anywhere, upside down from the ceiling, crawling on the floor and then up sideways on the wall, amazing but ridiculous. It makes our local Pontianak in shame too…




The Ring movie poster

Ju-on aka The Grudge movie poster

So let me summarized a ‘good’ Japanese horror show must haves:

• A poor innocent kid being killed. These kids usually would have a bowl shape hair, and they always look ‘kawaii’ or cute.
• A faceless white lady called Sudoku… I mean Sadako or whatever
• A tiny flat or house located in Tokyo not Sapporo or Miyazaki mind you… and the house MUST HAVE BATHTUBS OR SINK if not the ghost couldn’t appear.
• A gadget to tell the character that something bad is going to happen could be THE PHONE, THE TELEVISION, THE COMPUTER… could be even THE CALCULATOR. Like in the The Ring, the phone would ring and then there is a weird sound from the receiver, this tells you that the spirit is coming.
• Since the show has a kid in it, so I’m sure this kid would go to kindergarten. Kindergarten is another common location where they would first encounter their weird paranormal event eg: talking to themselves, playing Sudoku alone, hiding in the closet for no apparent reason.. Etc..
• This kid would always have weird fancy drawings done by them, it’s like as if this child is some sort of a prodigy or something. This would tell the teachers that these kids are having some sort of problems or whatever… and more..
  
  

Thailand Horror Show:
The very first Thailand horror show I watched was 303:Fear Faith Revenge. It’s about this group of Thai boys who stay in a hostel. Then one of them got possessed or got high and he start killing the boys. There was no horrible creatures or anything, it’s more like a morbid thriller with lots of killing. I watched it with my sister and she has a love hate feeling for the movie. She was so excited cause there were many cute mix Thai guys in the show. After watching the movie, she was so sad cause all the cute guys have to die. She was infact very angry with the killer. The killer apparently was a fat obese bastard just like me. After which she proclaimed “All chubbies are fat bastards, why do they have to kill all the cute guys?” and she was looking at me and I looked at her back and said to myself ‘Hey it’s not my fault, scold the director you fucking bitch!” I watched it again in school during band camp, it was still scary even though I‘m watching it for the second time. The second movie I watched was Nang-nak. It’s an equivalent to our local Pontianak but Nang-nak in the show depicts as a love ghost story. It’s scary if you watch it at night due to the sound effects but it should be alright even if you watched it alone during the day. This story is about a lady who has a soldier as her husband. One day, he was sent to war while his wife is already expecting a baby. While at war, the wife whose name is Nang-nak died during childbirth. Her husband whose name is Mak, returned home to his wife and his child, which they are not cause they are already dead while he was at war. Some weird events occurred in the village so the villagers left. The villagers knew what is happening to Mak, they told him he is living with a ghost. Whenever a villager told this to Mak, Nang-naks ghost would haunt and kill them. Nang-nak is in a desire state to stay with her husband cause she can’t accept the fact that she died and she loves her husband. Of cause like any other horror show, the human being which is Mak, founds out about her ghost wife. He ran to a temple to summon some monk. Then the monk did some chanting and burning of whatever. They went to Nang-naks grave to do a farewell ceremony, dig her grave, get her skull and cut the forehead out and gives it to her husband for safekeeping. In the end the husband became a monk, what logic is that? Shouldn’t he find a new wife? Anyway the cut out piece of the forehead was given to a Thai King and was passed down but now it’s lost. It’s claim to be a true story… It’s a good show I would say, scary but very ‘lovey-dovey’ or mushy some would say…
Most recent Thai horror movies like ‘Ghost Game, ‘The Eye 10’, ‘The Shutter’ and its equivalent revolves a group of teenagers who seeks adventure but in the end they end up in jeopardy with a supernatural being. Most of the story lines are predictable, ending with two possibilities, either everyone in the movie dies or the hero/heroine save the day but he/she got possessed in the end which would result another sequel which always turn out worst then the first one.

303:Fear Faith Revenge DVD cover

Nang-nak movie poster

Summary for a ’good’ Thai horror show must haves:

• Good looking characters, they always have this Eurasian look, if you don’t have the look you would probably the first one to die, the fuglier you are, the earlier you die. If I was in the show, I would probably be dead at the very beginning of the show right before any dialogue has been spoken.
• Group of teenagers seeking adventure during school holidays but always end up in a horrible situation. And they always ride on a Tuk-tuk or a pickup truck when they go to a village. Can’t they be more glamorous like take a cab or something or even a bus? I thought nowadays they have this luxury double deck bus liner plying from Singapore to Hattyai?
• The ghost are always victim of hit and run accident, rape or committed suicide by jumping from a building, it could be just 2 stories high. If it’s a female ghost, usually they have been cheated by their boyfriends. This is reminder to all of you, not anyone can become a ghost, one has to be cheated by their spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends to be one. Of cause you have to commit suicide. What do you think? And you have to be pretty/handsome too. If you are fucking fugly and has been cheated by their partners, please don’t bother to kill yourself, probably you deserve it. Well that’s the criteria to become a Thai ghost anyway, I’m not being mean or am I?
• You need a Buddhist monk to cast away the ghost preferably an old chap with a small boy as his protégé from some temple in an unknown village in Phuket next to Banyan Tree Resort.
• Similar to their Japanese counterparts, Thai ghost could appear from anywhere, the kitchen sink, underneath the table, could be even from your toilet bowl it they want to.
• Picture perfect. Again similar to Japanese ghost, Thai ghost would give reminder that they do exists, not via funky gadgets but via photographs. They would appear as black shadows, some weird orbs or some weird girl in a class photo, could be that weirdo who plays Sudoku alone. Now people, please don’t go searching high and low for your photos trying to spot any ghosts or weird figures, it could be just your fugly ex-boyfriend/girlfriend in the picture.
  
  

Taiwan/Hong Kong cum Singapore Horror Show:
Taiwan and Singapore always collaborate with one another to produce a horror show. The producer are usually from Singapore but the director and cast are usually from Taiwan/Hong Kong. As usual Singapore loves foreign talent. Can’t imagine Singaporean actors acting in a horror show. All of our actors are comedian by nature. But if there is a chance for Singaporeans to act in one, I want to see Kumar, Glenn Ong, Mark Lee, Patricia Mok, Abigail Chay, Hossan Leong and Phua Chu Kang and not to forget the Tan Ah Teck family from Under One Roof, all together act in one movie. I bet that Moses Lim aka Tan Ah Teck would die first cause he is obese and he cannot out run the ghost let alone running up and down the emergency stairs trying to run away from God-knows-what. The last one to die would be Glenn Ong cause he has such an explicit-foul mouth. Ok back to the story… Taiwan/Hong Kong horror shows would usually give you a heart attack. I can’t remember the first movie from them I’ve watched but I do remember the show called ‘The Eye’. Can’t really recall what is it all about but I think it’s about this blind girl who has receives a pair of eye from a donor who apparently can see the dead. After her surgery, she was delighted that she could see the world. She also could see the dead and the story drags on… I forgot what is the ending. I remember vividly at one part of the movie where she was waiting for a bus at the bus stop late one night when suddenly a dead body drop from the sky right in front of her. That was one hell of a shocking moments in the movie and there were few others. Taiwan/Hong Kong horror shows are not meant for the faint hearted. The storyline is basically all the same and predictable. These kind of movie is better watched in a group so that you all can scream together. The louder you are, the funnier it would be. I watched The Eye with my aunties during Christmas and we all screamed together during that part at the bus stop where the drop body drop from nowhere, so sweet. Seriously if you need to rekindle your bond with your friends, you should watch this movie. If there is anyone particular in the group who did not scream, he/she should be kicked out from your circle of friends. The motto should be All For One, One For All or I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream.

Now unlike Japanese or Thai horror movies. I couldn’t say much about Taiwan/Hong Kong shows cos I never got the chance to see them unless you counted those old vampire shows or ‘Jiang Shi’ as they say it in Mandarin. You know those zombies in cool looking Manchurian attire, with pony tail and weird head gear. They could only hop about, can’t walk but yet they can fly sometimes they can even do Kung Fu, how extraordinary. I love those shows, it’s always funny. The modern horror show from Taiwan/Hong Kong has no Kung Fu and has no blood sucking vampires. All they have is just weird zombies or spirits which could only be seen through the 3rd eye. They also used the geomancer sometimes. Very old fashion. You know what’s the funny thing? In these shows, the character would always be seen running up and down the emergency stairs trying to get away from these spirits. The character would try to run down to the ground floor but after a few floors they realized that they are stuck on the same floor usually on the13th floor or the 4th floor. So then they would run up instead to the roof. Of cause beyond the roof they can’t go anywhere right? So they would climb down via the cat ladder or sometimes they would jump from impossible heights and only hurt their legs. What nonsense… they think they can do better than Kung Fu? Fuck you… I still like Kung Fu… especially Kung Pow…

The Eye Movie Poster

Summary for a ‘good’ Taiwan/Hong Kong horror show must haves:

• Be a donor or the recipient so that you can have magic eyes, legs, arms or whatever which could do wonders. The eyes could see ghosts, the hands could whip fantastic meals like Yan Can Cook, legs can make you groove in MOS or DoubleO. You could also a recipient for silicon breasts. Silicon do wonders to your bust.
• Emergency stairs, no Chinese show is complete without emergency stairs. The characters need to run up and down the stairs, don’t bother painting each floor with different numerals. You just have to paint every floor 4th floor or 13th floor. Besides they are supposed to be stuck on the same floor all the time.
• The hero/heroine must have a spouse/partner so that he/she can confide with them.
• Hero/heroine must be a handicapped. Could be blind or fat like Moses Lim.
• Well I don’t know what else to say about Chinese horror movies, all I know they need more Kung Fu.
  

But you know what is the ultimate Horror show in the world? It’s none other than….

Your Best Friend....

Mr Bean… Hahahahahah!~!!!