My crush - Dxxxxx Hx

I’ve a crush on Dxxxxx Hx or rather lets name this person Dee. Hur hur hur… Well to tell you the truth I can’t tell the difference between crush or infatuation. Maybe it's the same. I’m supposed to be jaded remember? I’m supposed to have an emotion equivalent to a monk.

It happened quite recently despite the fact that I’ve known Dee for quite sometime. It’s odd. I’m not sure if it’s a shear desperation or is it indeed I’m smitten by Dee. But I’ve this odd feeling for the past few days. I kept on smiling to myself whenever I gave a thought about Dee. I enjoy every conversation I had with Dee. I do really wish I could know more about Dee but I do not want to appear as irritating. I’ve to know my limits. I’m sure Dee has better things to do then answering my silly questions.

Few days back we were discussing about having commitments to our partners and such. And I do realise that both of us have the same problem. Commitment is a very sensitive issue in a relationship. As for me, I don’t mind being committed to my partner but at times I do need my own space. In return I would give my partner their own space for them to sort their own things out. And the more I asked bout Dee’s views the more I feel that we do have a similarity over certain issues. It gets pretty interesting but alas our conversation happened in the wee hours and I was getting sleepy and hungry. I wish the conversation had last longer but like I said I’ve to limit myself. One step at a time.

I’ve been on many dates and most of them end up being just friends, it never go beyond friendship. There were few potential ones but whenever they pop the question, I would just roll my eyes and state that I’m not interested or rather not ready with any relationship whatsoever. Simply because it’s too soon for them to actually pop the question. For me I prefer to be friends and then slowly we would progress from there. It probably take months but patience is a virtue as they say. If they can’t wait they are always free to go.

But as I give more thought about my current situation the more I should give Dee up. Of cause we could maintain the friendship somehow but of cause as a human, I desire more than that. I’ve always wanted to begin a relationship with someone but I know I could never have the opportunity as I would shut them off from my life. Well I do have my reasons. The obvious one being my health. As most of you know, having cancer is not a fun a thing and I already had a relapse twice and I didn’t even asked for it to happen to me. But if it has to happen it just happen right? I’ve cried enough and all I could right now is just smile. It’s a habit of mine to compensate what I lack of.

Do I have to tell all of these problems of mine to Dee? Do I have to tell Dee that I’m interested to start on a friendship/relationship despite all these problems of mine? Perhaps not now. Or perhaps never. I do not want to freak Dee out with my problems and my thoughts. I guess it’s not fair for someone like Dee to know my problems. Well as a young adult I’m sure everyone wants to enjoy as much in life, have fun with friends and free from problems. So to me its fair that I should handle my problems alone and let my friends have their own fun and lead their own personal life. I try my best not to burden people with my problems. As long I can manage, I would do it myself.

If I think twice about Dee, I realised Dee is beyond my reach. I’m sure Dee has someone else in mind. In fact I do believe that Dee deserves someone better. I’m not saying that I’m giving Dee up but it’s just that if Dee prefers someone else I can’t stop it. It’s inevitable.

I've always wanted to chat up with Dee as frequent as possible to get to know Dee better. But there is nothing much to talk about. I don't think silly questions is approriate either. But I do wish Dee did the initiation to our conversation. At least I know Dee is putting an effort and also get to know what are Dee'e expectations. Perhaps I'm just asking for too much.

You know what I really wanna do with Dee if possible? I would want to sit/cuddle next to Dee on the beach under a tree doing nothing. Just feel the breeze and stare at the sea saying not a single word. In silence we just know that both of us love each other. But then again that’s all just a fantasy, a dream.

Sigh I wish I got the guts to say it all out. But I can’t. I mean how could I say it all out when there is nothing happening between the two of us. *bangs wall*

I do wonder what Dee thinks of me? Arrh well I shouldn't ask. It could be something unpleasant.

Its an oxymoron feeling. I wish its just an infatuation/crush which would fade away but at the same time I wish there is something goin on between us.