One of my friends birthday is coming on June 11th. I am still wondering if I should buy a present for him/her. Cos for the past few years I've been buying presents for him/her thinking that if I do it mebbe perhaps I could maintain that friendship that was once lost.But my gut feeling tells me that I shouldn't be buying anything cos its a waste of money.To me this person is good as dead.Infact some of my secondary skool friends whom I used to hang out are labelled as 'DEAD' to me. So I happily delete and blocked them from my MSN contact. This includes people who are considered close friends during in secondary school. Its really waste of space. Now my MSN has onli 127 contacts, I would soon be deleting and blocking them as time comes.Aniwae back to my friend.The reason I'm giving up on his/her present is that, this person is really not worth it. I've been putting alot of effort to maintain that friendship but if he/she its not keen, well by all means.You're DEAD to me MUAHAHAHAHA.... One less moron in this world for me to care Muahaha. But... if he/she is gonna ask where is that annual present he/she is supposed to get, I would give an excuse that I've totally forgotten by it. Which is not true unless they read this stupid entry of cos. Of cos I remember all my secondary skool frens bdae dates except for my poly frens which I don really know at all cos I nv asked and I don take an effort to know.

A year ago today, was the day when I was diagnosed with cancer type Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage 4. Thought its already at its last stage, I still didn't really bother about it. People with this typed of cancer most of them survived but few will not make it. This cancer affect the nerves so you'ld feel cramps and pains at joints. Usually this cancer happened during teenage years and some during old age. I was one of the 'lucky' ones to get it. When I heard that I was diagnosed with cancer I seriously didn't bother bout it too much bcos it happened a week after my Final Year 2 project. I was really worried bout my porffolio then my illness. Its fortunate that I've such a mentality where I donch really bothered bout my condition thanx to my ignorance and bo-chup attitude. Death is something which lingers around me during that time. It was some kind of an option or rather a test. Either I make it or not. I choose to overcome this illness with by sticking to a rule which I made myself 'Sick Doesn't Mean You Can't Do Work' and I've stick to that rule ever since. My mom cried when she heard bout my cancer,my father was in daze,my sister was worried sick but she called every now and then to check on me and my brother was a pillar for me.He's always there to boost my morale, he even took 3mths leave. He even did a surgery on me that time. Somehow I didnt panic or worried sick like my parents did. I just said to them if it meant to happen it would just happen.

The doctors told me that I've to go a chemotheraphy session for 6mths which means I've to go for 2 chemotheraphy sessions per month with 2 weeks apart. Thats a standard 6mths cycle but for me it took bout 7 mths cos of some complications. The side effects would be balding hair,lost appetite,diarrhoea and so on. So bfore I went for my chemotherapy. I shaved my hair bald just to minimise the balding effect which somehow works I think.By then most of my poly classmates already knew bout my condition and they were supportive and understanding. I told my close frens too but unfortunately I didnt tell any of my frens in secondary school except one or two cos I know they couldnt be bothered so therefore I couldnt be bothered to tell them either,its just a waste of time. I didnt even tell any of my SPBAND frens except for Venassa and Rebecca.
Cos having a cancer its not something to be proud of.

The first 2 mths of chemotheraphy was a painful one otherwise its normal. I lead my life as usual, go to school and all except that I donch hang out anymore infact I'm supposed to avoid crowds.Miss Tang said that I could take a year break and continue my final year next year if I could not cope with my studies but I firmly said NO and I said somehow I believe I could do my studies as per normal. Having a chemotheraphy session is something which I wouldnt want to go through again. Having needles poking at you 2 - 5 times per session is no fun cos there would be bruises and scares all over. The routine bfore chemotherapy is damn long one. I've to go to the hospital early in the morning at 9am, take a blood sample which I've to fill in two test tubes and wait for 2hrs for results.By 12noon results will show my blood counts. If its not good I've to go home and come back next two days if its good I will proceed on for chemotheraphy. Preparing the liquids for chemotheraphy takes an hour.Usually by 2pm the medicines would be ready and this medicines which comes in liquid form is put on a IV Drip. It takes about 3 hours to finish the whole medicine. Its really long and boring but there is TV to watch and people to talk to kill time. But usually I would fall asleep cos the medicine would make me feel dizzy and drunk. I would see birds and stars around me. The side effect of this medicine is really really terrible , no words to describe them. At nite around 2am the pain would be unbearable. This medicine will hit the areas where there are tumours like in my check and stomach so usually I wont sleep one whole nite. I would hv to place ice packs on my chest cos it feels something is burning inside.Whenever this happens I would simply sit up on the bed and sleep just to make the pain go away.Eating food is another big problem for me.My sense of taste somehow change even today.Wadeva I eat would be tasteless or rather taste metallic cos of the medicines. I avoid food/spices like garlic,red meats,plain water. This all taste awful. If you wanna know how it feels, ask your mum when she was pregnant with you. Food is something which I really avoided somehow cos everything taste like metal. My sense of smell is abit sensitive,there are certain things which makes me nauseous. I simply cant think or do anything cos I get angry very easily. The doctors say its normal for cancer patients to feel very very very angry during their first few chemotheraphy sessions. It was true, I was very angry over small little things. I scold people more often that include my parents but they were very patient with me. I cant grip pens,mugs, open a jar cos my nerve is shrinking cos of the medicines so simple tasks like these were really hard for me.

Even with these obstacles I still have to attend school. I took lots and lots of MCs of cos, I attend band practices per normal pretending nothing is happening to me. There were times where I would feel like quitting band but the responsibilty for me as a Section Leader is there. So somehow I cant give up halfway cos who would be responsible for my section then? I perform concerts per normal even though I had my chemotheraphy on that very same day.It was painful but I managed somehow. My sections members didnt know about it cos I didnt tell them cos like I said it would be waste of my time to tell cos they cant do anything aniwae.My classmates were really helpful to get me notes and I still was sarcastic as ever just so tat I don have to think bout my illness. Weiliang and Genn come to my place every now and then to accompany me despite that that they stayed far. Scott and Fadhil visits me during weekends but I told my frens don bother to come cos I simply have to avoid crowds for now and they were understanding.

When I was in the hospital I made new friends both old and young. I made 3 new friends , 2 guys and a girl. All of them have cancer related illness.Unfortunately 2 of them passed away. Marcus 23 years old, a SMU student,he was diagnosed with Leukemia in January 2005 passed away on December 2005. Elycia 19 years old,SP Maritime student,she was diagnosed with Leukemia in December 2004 passed away in April 2005 recently. Kenneth 21 years old NS-Men,he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He and I manage to survive and overcome with cancer. We are still in contact with one another till now. Those two of my friends who passed aways are not an isolated cases.Infact many others others didnt make it.There are patients with cancer who is young as 2yrs old.Its quite a sight for me.Somehow we feel bonded in a way through our complications. We somehow fit in that room cos everyone in that room has a cancer related illness,somehow I don feel astray. There are ladies with wigs cos of their balding hairs, men with bleeding scars cos of the medicines side effects,people vomitting every now and then.Somehow I didn find it disgusting or weird,I simply understand what they're going through.The nurses were great,they are really caring and supportive.They are way better then some of the frens that I know for years.

My hectic life goes on till December 2005. That was when I completed my chemotheraphy though I supposed to finish it on October.By then my life return back to normal. My taste bud still rejects certain types of food. My sense of smell is still sensitive as ever.During at this time most of my male frens are already had their NS medical check up and most of them have to serve NS, whereas for me I'm exempted cos of my illness.Though I'm healthy now, they still wouldnt enlist me, which is fine by me. Many of my frens really envy me for not having to serve NS but not me. I wish I could hold a gun too and kill something.People asked why I donch have to go NS and I've always have to come up with lame excuses like Broken bone injury or either say I've a dual citizenship which is bullshit cos my dual citizenship has already ended when i was at the age 21 therefore I'm a Singaporean (urgh). Not many know that I used to have cancer thus I donch have to serve NS.Only recently I've open up to some ppl but I guess everyone would know now after reading this entry.

The reason I decided to tell the world that I used to have cancer is not to ask for symphaty and I don need one.Its just that people always asked why I donch have to serve NS.So I hope that you all buggers don have to ask me the same questions again.And I just wish I could pay tribute to my family and frens who were always there whenver I need them especially my poly frens for giving me notes and reminding me of lecturer sessions.Without you guys I won't be here in DP Architects working my ass off... Muahahaha... And to my 3 brothers,Weiliang,Scott and Fadhil for accompanying me to hospitals,accompanying me on weekends and makin my life miserable now. and of cos my Family for giving all that support that I really needed. =)